there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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