I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
