i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
