apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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