I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
