I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
NoShamevember. You game?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
