i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
