i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
