Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
