dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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