I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
cat food counts as protein by the way
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
