Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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