I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
