tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
