All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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