the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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