Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
