$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
