We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
