I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
