I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
