There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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