I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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