dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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