I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize