Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
