he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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