You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize