Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
