She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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