It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
