My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
