TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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