So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
