i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
