My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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