I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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