I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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