bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
