he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Drunk is a universal language darling
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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