i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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