sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
my liver is dry heaving
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
