Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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