I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize