haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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