Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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