I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
