my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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