Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
