I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
