so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
