How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
