you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
