If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You smell like stripper and shame
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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